5ML Rerun: “Stranger in a Strange Land”

Season 3, Episode 9


Sawyer (sings): Old MacDonald had a farm, ee eye ee eye oh. And on his farm he had a boat, ee eye ee eye oh. With a row-row here and a row-row there…
Kate: Quiet.
Sawyer: But I’m singing a jaunty rowing tune!
Kate: We have to go back for Jack.
Carl: They’ll kill you.
Kate: Who can resist a challenge like that? Come on, turn around!

Tom: We’re moving you.
Jack: You mean you’re gonna kill me?
Tom: I mean we’re moving you.
Jack: Like, to the afterlife?
Tom: No, you paranoid freak, I mean we’re moving you!
Jack: Juliet, what are you doing here?
Juliet: Moving in! Finally, my own room! No more listening to Tom snore!

Jack: Ah, a nice vacation away from the hospital. I wish I could spend every day of my life on a beach! Now if only my master surgeon skills included enough dexterity to assemble a kite.
Achara: I’ll help you.
Jack: Thanks. It would probably go a lot faster if we didn’t make ridiculous puppy dog eyes at each other.

Jack: They moved me into the cage where the girl I like nailed another dude. I knew the Others were evil but that’s just mean!
Tom: Hey, I just dropped in to see how you’re settling in and to sow seeds of dissention.
Jack: You brought food? Score! Sow away.

Kate: We have to go back for Jack.
Sawyer: This again? Let’s camp before it gets dark.
Kate: But if we sail around the island we’ll reach Sayid and Locke faster.
Sawyer: Why risk it?
Kate: Because we have to go back for Jack.
Carl: Is she always so single minded?
Sawyer: Sometimes the needle gets stuck in the groove. Give her a sec.

Kate: We have to go back for Jack.
Sawyer: Shut up!
Carl: Alex and I used to lie out under the stars on nights like this and hold each other and gaze deep into each other’s eyes and talk about our feelings then we’d frolic together in the dusk catching fireflies and name all the constellations after puppies and bunnies and—
Sawyer: Psst, Kate. I wish Juliet hadn’t killed Danny. I could use him to put me out of my misery about now…

Juliet: I’m in trouble, but if you look at Ben’s infected stitches it’d really help me smooth things over with—
Jack: Oh my God, blah blah blah, yak yak yak, you never shut up. I. Don’t. Care.

Achara: How come you can’t fly a kite?
Jack: Like everything on this show it stems from my father.
Achara: You may find this hard to believe, being on Lost and all, but whining about your pathetic daddy issues isn’t gonna get you laid.
Suspicious Guy: Konichi wa, won sho nano nano pitooie.
Jack: What’d he just give you?
Achara: A gift.
Jack: How mysterious… Well, gotta go.
Achara: I probably should’a told him it’s just a book for my birthday. Now he’s gonna try to uncover some dark secret.

Isabelle: I like your tattoo, know what it says?
Jack: It says you’re a freakishly mannish woman who looks like she enjoys emasculating the men who sing tenor with her in the Others glee club.
Isabelle: No…
Jack: Well, that’s what I should’a gotten tattooed there. You always regret these things.

Isabelle: Jack, did Juliet ask you to kill Ben?
Jack: No.
Isabelle: Why’d you say she did in surgery?
Jack: Ummmm… Because I’m a compulsive liar?

Jack: Why don’t you ever tell me about yourself, like what that gift was?
Achara: Why d’you gotta be all up in my business just ’cause we’re sleeping together, you sissy? C’mon, let’s have sex before you start whining about your father again!

Cindy: Hi Jack.
Jack: You’re the stewardess! Why are you bringing kids to gawk at me?
Cindy: It’s the closest thing the Others have to a zoo.
Little Girl: Cindy, can I feed it?
Cindy: No, honey.

Carl: *sob* *whimper* *sniffle*
Sawyer: Carl, let’s talk man to man. Man up, go face Ben and get Alex back. You know, the way Alex does for you every freakin’ episode.
Carl: I *sob* can’t.
Sawyer: Hold on, maybe Kate should talk to you girl to girl.
Kate: Sure. Carl, we have to go back for Jack…
Sawyer: Oh God, it’s like a nightmare.

Alex: Why’d you save Ben?
Jack: It’s called ethics. Ask your father. He doesn’t know much about it but he probably has a book you can look it up in.
Alex: Isabelle’s gonna kill Juliet for helping your friends.
Jack: Dang, that’s cold. I have to help her. Stupid ethics.

Jack: Your dark secret is you work in a tattoo parlor?
Achara: I see who people are and then I mark them.
Jack: “Mark them”? Like, um, a dog?
Achara: With tattoos.
Jack: Oh, thank God. Who am I?
Achara: A less gifted seer would think you’re a stalker creep who followed his girlfriend like a total psycho. But I think you’re a gifted leader.
Jack: That definitely makes a better tattoo. Ink me up!

Isabelle: Ben has decided Juliet lives but she’ll be marked.
Jack: You’re gonna give her a tattoo?
Isabelle: No, I do it the old fashion way. Pass the Mountain Dew, please!
Jack: Ew.

Man: Nice tat.
Jack: Hey, you’re the guy who gave Achara the gift, right?
Man: Now I’ve got a gift for you. My fist!
Jack: Ow! Ouch! Yow! Why’re you guys hitting me?
Man: Some kind of stereotypical mystical Oriental thing, I guess. You wouldn’t understand.

Juliet: Look, they branded me.
Jack: I’ll rub aloe on it. You might experience a little pain and a ridiculous amount of sexual tension while I apply it.

Sawyer: I let Carl go.
Kate: We needed his help. We have to go back for Jack.
Sawyer: Shut up shut up shut up! You’re just guilty you boinked me.
Kate: We have to go back for Jack. Stop telling me what to do. We have to go back for Jack. We have to go back for Jack.
Sawyer: I feel like I’m slowly going insane.

Isabelle: Your tattoo says, “He walks among us but he isn’t one of us.”
Jack: Wow, thanks for the dramatic reveal, Nurse Ratched. I’ve got a news flash for you. Nobody cares about my stupid tattoo! Cue the montage!

Kate & Sawyer (in montage): What the heck were those tattoo people up to in Jack’s flashback?
Carl (in montage): Yeah, we never even found out what the gift was!
Alex (in montage): You mean they’re just gonna end the episode with that hanging out there?
Jack (in montage): What a total waste of an hour!