5ML Rerun: “Stranger in a Strange Land”

Season 3, Episode 9


Sawyer (sings): Old MacDonald had a farm, ee eye ee eye oh. And on his farm he had a boat, ee eye ee eye oh. With a row-row here and a row-row there…
Kate: Quiet.
Sawyer: But I’m singing a jaunty rowing tune!
Kate: We have to go back for Jack.
Carl: They’ll kill you.
Kate: Who can resist a challenge like that? Come on, turn around!

Tom: We’re moving you.
Jack: You mean you’re gonna kill me?
Tom: I mean we’re moving you.
Jack: Like, to the afterlife?
Tom: No, you paranoid freak, I mean we’re moving you!
Jack: Juliet, what are you doing here?
Juliet: Moving in! Finally, my own room! No more listening to Tom snore!

Jack: Ah, a nice vacation away from the hospital. I wish I could spend every day of my life on a beach! Now if only my master surgeon skills included enough dexterity to assemble a kite.
Achara: I’ll help you.
Jack: Thanks. It would probably go a lot faster if we didn’t make ridiculous puppy dog eyes at each other.

Jack: They moved me into the cage where the girl I like nailed another dude. I knew the Others were evil but that’s just mean!
Tom: Hey, I just dropped in to see how you’re settling in and to sow seeds of dissention.
Jack: You brought food? Score! Sow away.

Kate: We have to go back for Jack.
Sawyer: This again? Let’s camp before it gets dark.
Kate: But if we sail around the island we’ll reach Sayid and Locke faster.
Sawyer: Why risk it?
Kate: Because we have to go back for Jack.
Carl: Is she always so single minded?
Sawyer: Sometimes the needle gets stuck in the groove. Give her a sec.

Kate: We have to go back for Jack.
Sawyer: Shut up!
Carl: Alex and I used to lie out under the stars on nights like this and hold each other and gaze deep into each other’s eyes and talk about our feelings then we’d frolic together in the dusk catching fireflies and name all the constellations after puppies and bunnies and—
Sawyer: Psst, Kate. I wish Juliet hadn’t killed Danny. I could use him to put me out of my misery about now…

Juliet: I’m in trouble, but if you look at Ben’s infected stitches it’d really help me smooth things over with—
Jack: Oh my God, blah blah blah, yak yak yak, you never shut up. I. Don’t. Care.

Achara: How come you can’t fly a kite?
Jack: Like everything on this show it stems from my father.
Achara: You may find this hard to believe, being on Lost and all, but whining about your pathetic daddy issues isn’t gonna get you laid.
Suspicious Guy: Konichi wa, won sho nano nano pitooie.
Jack: What’d he just give you?
Achara: A gift.
Jack: How mysterious… Well, gotta go.
Achara: I probably should’a told him it’s just a book for my birthday. Now he’s gonna try to uncover some dark secret.

Isabelle: I like your tattoo, know what it says?
Jack: It says you’re a freakishly mannish woman who looks like she enjoys emasculating the men who sing tenor with her in the Others glee club.
Isabelle: No…
Jack: Well, that’s what I should’a gotten tattooed there. You always regret these things.

Isabelle: Jack, did Juliet ask you to kill Ben?
Jack: No.
Isabelle: Why’d you say she did in surgery?
Jack: Ummmm… Because I’m a compulsive liar?

Jack: Why don’t you ever tell me about yourself, like what that gift was?
Achara: Why d’you gotta be all up in my business just ’cause we’re sleeping together, you sissy? C’mon, let’s have sex before you start whining about your father again!

Cindy: Hi Jack.
Jack: You’re the stewardess! Why are you bringing kids to gawk at me?
Cindy: It’s the closest thing the Others have to a zoo.
Little Girl: Cindy, can I feed it?
Cindy: No, honey.

Carl: *sob* *whimper* *sniffle*
Sawyer: Carl, let’s talk man to man. Man up, go face Ben and get Alex back. You know, the way Alex does for you every freakin’ episode.
Carl: I *sob* can’t.
Sawyer: Hold on, maybe Kate should talk to you girl to girl.
Kate: Sure. Carl, we have to go back for Jack…
Sawyer: Oh God, it’s like a nightmare.

Alex: Why’d you save Ben?
Jack: It’s called ethics. Ask your father. He doesn’t know much about it but he probably has a book you can look it up in.
Alex: Isabelle’s gonna kill Juliet for helping your friends.
Jack: Dang, that’s cold. I have to help her. Stupid ethics.

Jack: Your dark secret is you work in a tattoo parlor?
Achara: I see who people are and then I mark them.
Jack: “Mark them”? Like, um, a dog?
Achara: With tattoos.
Jack: Oh, thank God. Who am I?
Achara: A less gifted seer would think you’re a stalker creep who followed his girlfriend like a total psycho. But I think you’re a gifted leader.
Jack: That definitely makes a better tattoo. Ink me up!

Isabelle: Ben has decided Juliet lives but she’ll be marked.
Jack: You’re gonna give her a tattoo?
Isabelle: No, I do it the old fashion way. Pass the Mountain Dew, please!
Jack: Ew.

Man: Nice tat.
Jack: Hey, you’re the guy who gave Achara the gift, right?
Man: Now I’ve got a gift for you. My fist!
Jack: Ow! Ouch! Yow! Why’re you guys hitting me?
Man: Some kind of stereotypical mystical Oriental thing, I guess. You wouldn’t understand.

Juliet: Look, they branded me.
Jack: I’ll rub aloe on it. You might experience a little pain and a ridiculous amount of sexual tension while I apply it.

Sawyer: I let Carl go.
Kate: We needed his help. We have to go back for Jack.
Sawyer: Shut up shut up shut up! You’re just guilty you boinked me.
Kate: We have to go back for Jack. Stop telling me what to do. We have to go back for Jack. We have to go back for Jack.
Sawyer: I feel like I’m slowly going insane.

Isabelle: Your tattoo says, “He walks among us but he isn’t one of us.”
Jack: Wow, thanks for the dramatic reveal, Nurse Ratched. I’ve got a news flash for you. Nobody cares about my stupid tattoo! Cue the montage!

Kate & Sawyer (in montage): What the heck were those tattoo people up to in Jack’s flashback?
Carl (in montage): Yeah, we never even found out what the gift was!
Alex (in montage): You mean they’re just gonna end the episode with that hanging out there?
Jack (in montage): What a total waste of an hour!

“The Other Woman”

Season 4, Episode 6


Harper: Hi, I’m Harper, I’ll be your head shrinker today.
Juliet: Everybody on this island wigs me out. What’s that about?
Harper: Mostly about everybody being creepy. I’ll prescribe you something for that.
Tom: ’Scuse me, Harper, but Ben wants to see Juliet.
Ben: I got you a house with a stocked fridge, opera CDs, a hot tub and a heart-shaped bed with red silk sheets.
Juliet: Definitely getting the wiggins again. Maybe Harper will up my dose…

Jack: Where’s Daniel and Charlotte?
Jin: They snuck into the woods.
Jack: Why didn’t you tell me?!
Jin: You said they’re our friends.
Jack: That’s no excuse! Even your friends want to kill you half the time around here! What’s wrong with you?!

Harper: Hi Juliet. It’s nice to see you, you man-stealing tart!
Juliet: Nice to see you too, you insane, castrating harpy! Let’s hug!
Harper: No time! The boat people are going to the Tempest station to gas everybody. Ben wants you to kill them.
Juliet: How’d Ben find out what’s happening? How’d he get word to you? How’d you get here so quick? Why’d he want me to do it? If it’s so important, why not do it yourself?
Harper: Your logic’s useless against my ability to vanish into thin air! *Poof*

Goodwin: Hi, I’m Goodwin. You might remember me from such episodes as “The Other 48 Days.”
Juliet: Doesn’t ring a bell. You’re cute, though… I like you more than that stupid, no good, prying bee-eye-tee-see-eych, Harper.
Goodwin: She’s my wife.
Juliet: Oh.
Goodwin: It’s kinda hot that you can open your mouth wide enough to put your whole foot inside!

Kate: Hey guys!
Daniel: How’s Miles?
Kate: He’s fine, as long as his jaw doesn’t get tired… And the good news is he’s only conspiring to kill one of you! What’s up with you guys?
Charlotte: Our radio’s dead.
Kate: Funny how its power light’s still on. Can I look in your bag?
Charlotte: As long as you kneel down with you back to me.
Kate: Thanks, you’re a doll. What’s with the gas masks? Ow!
Daniel: She walked right into that.
Charlotte: Probably shouldn’t’ve bothered. If she fell for that, she’s clearly too stupid to realize we’re up to something.

Claire: Hi Locke. I’m less intimidating than you. Can I talk to Miles?
Locke: Sure but I doubt he’ll feel like saying much.

Ben: Are your people getting uppity yet?
Locke: Grumble, grumble.
Ben: If you let me have a house, I’ll help you.
Locke: Why should I?
Ben: I dunno. Jack let Daniel and Charlotte run off, Juliet’s decided to follow my orders and Kate left herself wide open for a sucker punch. I thought you might be acting like a blithering idiot too.
Locke: Well, shucks, I guess we could give it a try. Last time we teamed up you only shot me once…
Ben: What? Really?! Sweet!

Ben: Here’s a video of the guy who owns the boat. Charles Widmore.
Locke: Good to know.
Ben: Now you’d better sit down. I’m about to reveal the identity of my spy on the boat.
Locke: Oh, you mean Michael?

Goodwin: Hi Juliet. Want a sandwich?
Ben: A sandwich. Right. Jeez, you’re obvious.

Harper: You stole my man, you pouty, glassy-eyed little slut!
Juliet: Not my problem you don’t know how to please him, you old hag!
Other Others: Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!

Jack: Kate, are you all right?
Kate: I’d say Charlotte knocked me senseless but I think it actually might have helped.
Juliet: *Poof*
Jack: Where’d Juliet go?
Kate: You took your eyes off her? Dang, you’re stupid. Maybe you could use a blow to the head too.

Juliet: I don’t think we should let Ben know about our affair.
Goodwin: What’s he gonna do?
Ben: Goodwin, go infiltrate the tail section.
Goodwin: Man, that’s cold. Well, I’ll only be away a few days…

Kate: Juliet went this way. Charlotte and Daniel were a half hour ahead of her.
Jack: Okay, time out. How can you possibly tell from their tracks that they were a half hour ahead?
Kate: We’re just assuming the audience is a stupid as us this week.

Ben: I’ve got a surprise for you.
Juliet: What’s that?
Ben: Your boyfriend impaled on a stake! Muahahahaha!
Juliet: That’s… That’s… What kind of sicko surprise is that? Why’d you do that?
Ben: Because, YOU’RE MINE!
Juliet: Holy crap, dude. Maybe you need a teeny tiny time out. I mean, whoa!

Juliet: Finally, the Tempest! Sneak, sneak, sneak. Freeze, Daniel!
Daniel: Ben’s trying to gas the whole island. You’ve gotta let us finish.
Juliet: I’ve got no reason to trust you and every reason to trust Ben. Hey, wait a second! It’s the other way around. I hate him. I’ve ALREADY betrayed him. Why’d I even come here?
Charlotte: Judo chop!
Juliet: Don’t even try it.

Kate: Freeze!
Juliet: They just saved us.
Jack: Good enough for me.
Kate: I wanna see for myself.
Charlotte: Then come in here alone with us and we’ll show you. After you!
Kate: Duh. Okay!
Juliet: They’re fighting Ben. He’s kinda possessive and when he wins you don’t want to be anywhere near me!
Jack: Then why the heck have you been throwing yourself at me, woman?!

Sawyer: I can’t believe you beat me at horse shoes!
Hurley: I rule at all games. Yet I’m fat. So many layers!
Ben: I’ll play winner.
Sawyer: Okay. WhaitaminutewhattheHECK?!?!?

“The Constant”

Season 4, Episode 5


Frank: You guys read the small print on your helicopter tickets, right?
Sayid: “Possible side effects of leaving the island include mild inflammation, itching, nausa, decreased ability to fight infection, ominous nosebleeds, dementia and death.”
Desmond: They just put that so they don’t get sued. Hey, I think you’re one degree off Daniel’s course.
Frank: Whoops.
Desmond: Huh. My brain feels tingly…

Drill Sergeant: Does anyone have anything they’d rather be doing than marching up and down the square?!
Desmond: Actually, sir, I have a helicopter hallucination I’d like to get back to…
Drill Sergeant: Who do you think I am, the drill sergeant from Monty Python?
Desmond: Only when I have my eyes open and when you talk, sir.
Drill Sergeant: Drop and give me fifty, you maggot!

Frank: We’re here.
Desmond: Who are all you?!
Sayid: I’m the show’s token Arab and these are some people you’ve never met.
Desmond: What am I doing here, I was just in the army!
Sayid: I see you’re the token lunatic this week.

Doctor: Welcome to sickbay. I’m your doctor, you’ll be perfectly safe with me.
Desmond: Can I get a second opinion on that?
Minkowski: I’m going through the same thing.
Desmond: Thank God! At least the strapped down crazy guy with the bulging eyes understands me!

Jack: It’s been a day and the helicopter hasn’t reached the boat.
Daniel: Have you set your clocks for Daylight Savings?

Frank: I’ll trade you my walkie talkie for your gun.
Sayid: Throw in a Nolan Ryan rookie card and you got a deal.
Daniel (over phone): Hello?
Sayid: Flying out made Desmond more batty than usual.
Daniel: Let me talk to him! Batty is my specialty!

Soldier: Thanks for the twenty mile run in the rain, Hume. I got struck by lightning five times!
Desmond (into phone): Penny, something weird’s happening, I have to see you.
Penny (over phone): I’m moving, I hate you, I hope you die!
Desmond: So when can I drop by?

Desmond: Penny? Aaaannd… I’m in the future again.
Sayid: Don’t worry, I’m here to save you. I’ll lock them out.
Daniel (over phone): Hey, man. What's the greatest band ever?
Desmond: Oasis.
Daniel: Your mind’s from 1996! I can't help you in this time period. Go to Oxford and find me.
Desmond: Great! Then you can be absolutely no help in that time period too!

Desmond: You’re in a phone booth. You’ve been catatonic, drooling on the receiver and hallucinating for fifteen minutes. Do you (A) seek medical help, or (B) do what your hallucination told you…

Desmond: Ah, Oxford! Wildest party town in England!
Daniel: Stupid tweed wearing kids, always getting up to shenanigans!
Desmond: You gotta be Daniel. Future you says I should mention Eloise and make you set your machine to some numbers.
Daniel: Wow. I'm convinced.

Desmond: You named a rat Eloise?
Daniel: She's a time traveling rat. By zapping her with EM radiation she can visit the future and learn to run this maze she's never seen before.
Desmond: Hold on, I don't understand... You named a rat Eloise?

Minkowski: So, you're Desmond, huh?
Desmond: Why?
Minkowski: Some chick keeps calling for you. We just let it ring.

Daniel: If you keep time jumping, your mind's gonna blow like a fuse and you'll die.
Desmond: How do we fix it?
Daniel: Find something you love in both times.
Desmond: Like Penny?
Daniel: Whatever. It’ll anchor your mind.
Desmond: Let me get this straight. My brain’s screwed up by radiation that makes me quantum leap to 2004 and I’m supposed to make myself better by, what? Thinking a happy thought?
Daniel: Well… yeah.
Desmond: What the heck are you, a Christian Scientist?!

Desmond: I have to contact Penny.
Minkowski: Our communications have been sabotaged.
Sayid: That's a wrinkle.
Minkowski: I can fix it.
Sayid: How convenient! That and the fact that a mysterious benefactor has unlocked the door!
Desmond: Your nose is bleeding, brother.
Minkowski: What’s wrong with me?
Sayid: In real life, low humidity. On TV? Brain damage and imminent death!

Auctioneer: Next up, Lot 2342, the journal of the Black Rock's first mate, being sold by Tovard Hanso. Do I hear 50p?
Widmore: Three hundred fifty thousand pounds.
Auctioneer: Whoa, dude! It's just some crummy old book!
Desmond: Can I talk to you?
Widmore: Why not? Let's go some place more appropriate...

Desmond: A men's room? While you're taking a piss?
Widmore: Ahhh...! Now, what can I do for you, Hume?
Desmond: What's Penny's new address?
Widmore: You think I'd give my daughter's address to somebody she never wants to see again? Penny doesn't want to see you so much that I'll give you her address so you can go see her and hear from her own lips how much she doesn't want to see you.
Desmond: Um... Thanks?

Sayid: I've fixed the transmitter but the power source will only hold out for a few minutes.
Desmond: Doesn't it run off the boat's generator?
Sayid: Don't question it too much. It's a plot device to create urgency.
Desmond: Like the plot device making me call Penny in the first place?
Sayid: Or the fact time shifting is killing you at all. We're hip deep in plot devices on this show. You'll see once your memory comes back. Hey, your nose is bleeding.
Desmond: I'm not worried. It can't progress from a nosebleed to death in just a few minutes, right?
Minkowski: *death rattle*
Desmond: Drat.

Penny: Desmond!
Desmond: Penny, I need your— Wait, are you celebrating Christmas all by yourself?
Penny: Yeah, I was about to play charades alone, then sing some carols…
Desmond: Wow, that makes me feel a lot less pathetic coming over and begging for your number! Talk to you in eight years!

Desmond: Hello, Penny?
Penny: Desmond?
Desmond: Love mush hearts island roses love.
Penny: Singing birds hearts island mush Charlie sob love.
Sayid: Battery’s dead.
Desmond: That’s okay. I talked to Penny, my memory’s back, all’s right with the world. Can we call that an episode?
Sayid: Not quite. Check out what Daniel’s book says!
Daniel’s Notebook: “If anything goes wrong, Desmond Hume will be my constant.”
Desmond: Does that mean he’s in love with me?!?

"Eggtown"

Season 4, Episode 4


Locke: I made you eggs. What do I do next?
Ben: How ’bout bacon?
Locke: To protect the island, smart ass.
Ben: Yo’ momma!
Locke: No. Yo’ momma.
Ben: Never thought of it that way. Touché.

Sawyer: Move in with me.
Kate: No.
Sawyer: What if you’re pregnant?
Kate: Leave.
Sawyer: Dang, she’s cranky today. Please be PMS, please be PMS, please be PMS…

Judge: Kate Austen, you’re accused of making trouble. How do you plead?
Kate: Not guilty.
Prosecutor: Don’t let her out on bail.
Kate: But I’d never run away!
Judge: Remanded to custody.
Kate: No wait. I’ll do anything! I’ll make puppy dog eyes! I’ll pout!

Lawyer: Your own mother’s going to testify against you. Take a plea bargain.
Kate: No.
Lawyer: Then we have to make this about what a great person you are.
Kate: You’re not exploiting my baby!
Lawyer: But he’s so cute, with his eyes and his little nose and his ears that stick out oh my God make it stop I can’t even take it!!!

Jin: We should move to Albuquerque or New York.
Sun: You narrowed it down to New York and Albuquerque?! Seriously, you’re just pointing at random places, right?
Jack: Hi, we’re back. Recap: this is Charlotte and Daniel, Sayid and Desmond are headed to the boat, Kate’s with Locke, we’ll all be rescued soon. Okay?! Can we just get on with this week’s episode now? Thank you!

Kate: Can I speak to Miles?
Locke: No.
Kate: What is this, a dictatorship?
Locke: ’Course not. If it were a dictatorship I’d have you tarred, feathered, scalded, beaten, shot, stabbed, stretched on the rack, exsanguinated, eviscerated, defenestrated, drawn and quartered, and then I’d hack what was left into itty bitty pieces with my nine hundred knives while gaily singing show tunes and laughing maniacally. Dinner’s at six, hope you’re hungry!

Kate: Hey Hurley. Your shoe’s untied!
Hurley: Miles is in the boathouse. Crap! Nobody’s that gullible!

Kate: What do you know about me?
Miles: That you’ll get me a minute alone with Ben to find out what else I know about you!

Lawyer: I call Dr. Jack Shepherd to the stand.
Jack: Only six of us survived the crash. Kate saved us all. She’s a big hero. I always believed she was innocent.
Prosecutor: Did you fall in love with her?
Jack: What, are you crazy? Of course I did! But I’m not any more.

Naomi’s Phone: Your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please hang up and try again.
Jack: I’m sure Sayid’s fine.
Sun: Then why did Kate stay with Locke?
Jack: I dunno. He must give back rubs or something.

Kate: How you been?
Sawyer: Good. Wine?
Kate: Sure. Well, ’nuf small talk. Help me break out Ben!

Kate’s Mom: I’m dying and I want to make up. I won’t testify if I can just see my grandson.
Kate: No deal. Prove you love me and you can live in hope that I’ll relent someday.

Sawyer: Backgammon?
Locke: Sure. Everyone knows I’m easily distracted by games!
Sawyer: Kate’s being wack.
Locke: Crap! Miles is unguarded! If we run we may get to the boathouse in time to leave Ben unguarded too!

Kate: Miles, meet Ben. You have one minute, talk.
Miles: I’ll tell my employers you’re dead for 3.2 million bucks. You have two days.
Ben: Dude! I’m tied up in a crazy man’s basement on a remote tropical island! How am I gonna get you that kind of money in two days?
Miles: A week?
Ben: No problem.

Kate: Okay, what do you know?
Miles: You’re wanted for murder, theft, arson, assault with a deadly weapon and kicking a puppy.
Kate: I would never kick a puppy!

Locke: What did Miles and Ben talk about?
Kate: Miles asked for a bribe.
Locke: Interesting. You’re banished.
Kate: You’re making me leave?!
Locke: Or we could do that other thing we talked about…
Kate: I’m gone.

Prosecutor: Our star witness isn’t here.
Judge: I’m sorry, counsel, but you watched A Few Good Men in law school. You’ll just have to deal.

Lawyer: Your case has fallen apart.
Prosecutor: Fine, ten years parole and she can’t leave the state.
Kate: I’ll take it! I just want to raise my son in peace.
Lawyer: They were eating out of my hand! You’d’ve gotten a new car and a shopping spree if you’d held out a little longer!

Daniel: Let me see now... A muffin, a baseball and a red wagon. How'd I do?
Carlotte: Pretty crappy. You were supposed to be remembering playing cards...
Daniel: I'm kinda forgetful.
Charlotte: Maybe I should tell the boat where to shoot rockets from now on…
Daniel: What boat?
Jack: There another phone number we can call?
Charlotte: Yeah.
Regina (over phone): They’re not back yet.
Jack: You’ve lost a helicopter three times? Ever think of making your pilots wear glasses?

Locke: Talk!
Miles: No.
Locke: Oh, you’ll talk… once I put a grenade in your mouth!
Miles: Actually, that makes me want to talk even less!

Sawyer: Why won’t you have sex with me? I already knocked you up!
Kate: I’m not pregnant.
Sawyer: Yes! Yes! Oh, thank you! Thank you, Jay-sus!
Kate: Pig. I’m going back to Jack’s team.
Sawyer: Okay, see you tonight when you decide to switch sides again! I’ll leave dinner in the fridge.

Jack: Congratulations on being free. I lied, I still love you. Go out with me.
Kate: Come over and see us now.
Jack: I’m really, really uncomfortable with that idea.
Kate: Jeez, NOBODY will date a single mother!

Kate: It’s good to be home. I missed you so much… AARON!
Aaron: You think that’s a shock? Next week you’ll find out I’m killing people for Ben!

“The Economist”

Season 4, Episode 3


Sayid: Rest in peace, Naomi. Nice bracelet! And, hey, it’s engraved.
Bracelet: N, Big Brother is watching you. R.G.
Sayid: R.G. sounds sinister and evil but he sure knows how to accessorize!
Miles: We have to rescue Charlotte from Locke.
Sayid: What do I get if I can get her back?
Frank: How about an all expenses paid trip to a beautiful tropical island?
Sayid: I’ll take what’s behind door number two.

Sayid: This week we’ll be seeing a gentler, easy-going Sayid. I’ll start with some golf.
Avellino: I’d use a 5-iron for this shot.
Sayid: I was thinking more of a 9-millimeter.
Gun: Bang.
Avellino: *death rattle*
Sayid: Oops. Guess gentle and easy-going just wasn’t me!

Sayid: Hello, totally random German chick. How do I get to some tourist place?
Elsa: That way. By the way, I have a mysterious boss who jets into town twice a year.
Sayid: How totally coincidental that we met! Wanna date?

Mysterious Voice (over phone): You know you want to say it.
Sayid: Okay. “I've made contact.” You're right, that was pretty satisfying.
Mysterious Voice: It's a cliché for a reason!

Sawyer: Okay, so we can’t kill Ben, I get it. Can I at least cut off a toe?
Locke: No.
Sawyer: Come on! Just his little toe?
Locke: No. Huh. This clearing seems emptier than the last time.
Hurley: Maybe you got lost. Just as long as we’re clear I have no idea where the cabin really is.

Jack: I’ll help you talk some sense into Locke.
Sayid: Last time you talked sense to Locke you tried to blow his head off.
Jack: What’s your point?

Jack: Sayid’s going on a dangerous mission and insisting I stay behind!
Kate: Now you know how I felt all through season three.
Jack: And you just went anyway! Do I have to spell it out for you?
Kate: Well, okay. I’ll get my pack.

Elsa: Screw work. Let’s go to the opera without my creepy boss’s pager.
Sayid: I’ll bring it.
Elsa: It’s so nice to meet a man who respects my career!

Miles: Great! Hiked all the way to the Barracks and there’s no sign of them.
Kate: Is somebody in the closet?
Sayid: My money’s on Sawyer. He’s over-compensating.
Kate: No, that closet.
Sayid: Oh.
Hurley: Hey dudes, Locke left me behind but conveniently mentioned he’s going to Ben’s.
Kate: That really is convenient, thanks Hurley!
Hurley: So, Miles, you here to kill us all or what?
Miles: Not unless you make me mad.
Hurley: Swell!

Desmond: Be straight with me. You’ve never seen the woman in this photo have you?
Frank: You think a stud like me can remember every chick?
Daniel (into radio): I’ve set up the homing device. Fire the drone.
Regina (over radio): 15 seconds… 10 seconds… 5 seconds… It’s there.
Daniel: Um… No, it’s not.
Jack: That was pointless. Exactly the kind of scene we can’t afford with the shortened season. Get it together, man.
Daniel: Sorry.

Kate: Looks like nobody’s in Ben’s house!
Sayid: Split up. Hey, what’s this… A secret room in Ben’s bedroom. Gay porn, leather and dildos? Oh, thank God, just passports and money.
Locke: Freeze!
Hurley: Sorry.
Sayid: Hurley, you traitor, I can’t believe you played me! … Nicely done!

Daniel: Check it out. The drone’s finally here.
Jack: The clocks don’t match.
Daniel: Stupid Chinese electronics! Next sinister mission we’re going Swiss!

Sawyer: I don’t want to get rescued! What do you have to go back for?
Kate: What do you have to stay for?
Sawyer: I thought we’d get married, have kids, a dog, picket fence, maybe a mini-van…
Kate: Excuse me while I puke.

Sayid: Great, I’m locked up with Ben.
Ben: Yo’ momma!
Sayid: Get a new joke.
Locke: Ice tea, anybody?
Sayid: The boat people are up to something. Give me Charlotte and I’ll find out what.
Locke: I’d trade her for a starting pitcher or a good short stop.
Sayid: I was thinking Miles and Kate.
Locke: Sold.

Pager: Beep, beep.
Elsa: Hello? Okay, boss, I’ll meet you there in half an hour. Bye.
Sayid: Elsa, run away! I was just using you to get to your boss, but I’ve fallen in love with you.
Elsa: Aw, that’s sweet. What is this, the Valentine’s Day episode?
Elsa’s Gun: Bang.
Sayid: Ahh!
Elsa: Hello? Boss, a guy’s after you. Scrub the meeting, I’ll question him.
Sayid’s Gun: Bang bang bang!
Elsa: Ahh! *death rattle*
Sayid: Oh God, what have I done! Hey, same weird bracelet as Naomi. Guess even evil people aren’t immune to fads.

Sayid: Okay, I got Charlotte. Let’s go!
Frank: You traded Miles to get her?! Did you really think I’d fly you to the boat just because I technically promised.
Sayid: I guess it was a pretty stupid plan…
Frank: I’m just messing with you. I hate that guy. Hop in, I’ll drive.
Desmond: Shotgun!
Sayid: You coming, Jack?
Jack: Nah, take Naomi’s body. You got this one. For some reason I completely trust you with this even though I logically should know you lied about Kate deciding to stay with Locke since she only went with you because I sent her.
Sayid: Wow, this plan worked against mind-boggling odds. Well, bye.

Mysterious Voice: Hi Sayid. Welcome to my veterinary clinic. After we take care of that bullet, you want me to check for worms, shampoo for fleas, anything like that?
Sayid: No thanks… Ben!
Ben: *Gasp* !
Sayid: Why’d you gasp?
Ben: It was revealed so dramatically even I was shocked!
Sayid: I can’t keep killing them. They know I’m after them.
Ben: GOOD.
Sayid: …why?
Ben: How should I know? I guess it’s just cooler now.
Sayid: But they know I’m coming!
Ben: You’re right, that is bad. Bad ASS!
Sayid: Just shut up. The episode’s over.
Ben: Yo’ momma.

“Confirmed Dead”

Season 4, Episode 2


Diver #1 (sings): I like to be under the sea, in an octopus’s garden in the shade…
Diver #2: Dude, what did I tell you about that?
Diver #1: It’s annoying?
Diver #2: Then shut up!
Diver #1: Whoa, a plane! Based on no hard evidence whatsoever, it must be Oceanic 815!

Frank: The chopper’s going down! Bail out!
Daniel: Ahhhh! Please don’t die, please don’t die! Whew, made it!
Jack: Hi.
Daniel: You Jack?
Jack: Yep. I don’t wanna be critical but you people suck at flying helicopters!

Daniel: Hi I’m Daniel Faraday I’m from the boat we’re here to rescue you and I need Naomi’s phone to find my friends oh you noticed my gun well I admit it saving you’s not the main reason we’re here why are you interrogating me like this?!?!?!
Jack: Ummm… Here’s the phone?

TV News: Everyone on Oceanic 815 is dead.
Daniel: *Sob* Oh God, no! *sob*
Daniel’s Wife: Cry baby.

Sayid: Why does Ben say the boat people want to kill us?
Juliet: He’s either messing with us or it’s true. Either way, guns should solve the problem.

Jack: Hey, are you all right?
Miles: Freeze! Naomi doesn’t have a sister. You must have killed her.
Kate: We didn’t, it was Locke.
Miles: Take me to her body, I’ll know the truth.
Kate: What are you, psychic or something? On second thought, forget I asked…

Radio DJ: So, those airplane passengers? They’re dead!
Miles: Hi, I’m here about the exorcism. A hundred bucks cash, please.
Woman: I’ll get my wallet. (Sings to self) When there’s something strange in the neighborhood, who you gonna call?
Miles: Ghostbusters joke. How original. Just for that, it’s TWO hundred bucks!

Miles: Tell me where the money is so your mom can have some peace.
Ghost: Over there.
Miles (pockets cash): Psyche! There’s a sucker killed every minute!

Miles: They’re telling the truth.
Kate: So you really are psychic, huh? Like in Medium? Or more like Tru Calling? Or is it more like The Dead Zone? Or is it more like… Gee, you’re a giant TV cliché, aren’t ya?
Daniel: Charlotte’s signal! Let’s find her.
Jack: Nah. I’d rather turn the tables on you like a total badass.
Sayid & Juliet: Freeze!
Kate: I feel strange.
Jack: You’re feeling a sudden urge to jump my bones. Wait till we’re rescued, please.

Locke: Detour! We gotta stop by the cabin.
Hurley: Cabin’s that way.
Locke & Ben: What?!
Hurley: I mean… I thought you meant the airplane cabin. Actually, did you say cabin? I thought you said beach. And the beach isn’t even that way.
Sawyer: Locke, who tells you to do this stuff?
Locke: He looks kinda like Walt, but he’s seven feet tall and shaves.

Ben: Hey Sawyer! Yo’ momma!
Sawyer: Don’t! Talk! About! My! Momma!
Ben: Ow! Ouch! Oof! Ahh! Eee!
Locke: Stop it, Sawyer.
Sawyer: We should kill him.
Ben: Hey Karl! Yo’ momma!
Locke: Don’t even think about it, Karl.

Charlotte: Why is there a lake on the ceiling? Oh. Crap. Where’s that knife?

Newspaper: Tous les passengers d’Oceanic 815 sont morts !
Tunisian: Sorry, access to this dig site is restricted. We take bribes in check, money order and all major credit cards.
Charlotte’s Guide: Is that a dinosaur?
Charlotte: Nope, just your garden variety teleporting Dharma polar bear!

Charlotte: This phone will help the boat find you.
Locke: Then I’ll tie it to Vincent.
Hurley: Does this mean Vincent’s gonna be one of the Oceanic Six?

Ben: Hey Charlotte! Yo’ momma! I mean, die!
Gun: Bang, bang, bang.
Locke: You murdered an innocent woman!
Ben: Ow, ouch, ahh! Pot calling the kettle black, much?
Karl: Sorry I let him take my gun.
Sawyer: Don’t worry about it. You’re kinda the new Charlie.
Charlotte: I’m okay!
Hurley: Why’re you wearing a bullet proof vest?
Charlotte: You've seen the way we fly helicopters. Tip of the iceberg. I need all the protection I can get.

Frank: Wow, my best landing yet! I can almost stand. Must’a hit my head, though, ’cause I think I see a cow.
Cow: Moo.

TV News: Hey mon! Everybody on Oceanic 815 be dead!
Operator: Oceanic hotline.
Frank: Hi, I was supposed to pilot 815. That body on the news isn’t the Pilot ’cause he isn’t wearing a wedding ring!
Operator: He probably ditched it to get in the flight attendant’s pants.

Miles: Where’s the wreck?
Frank: I set down in one piece.
Jack: In that case, forget all the gun pointing and give us a ride, would ya? Huh? Buddy? Pal?

Naomi: A lunatic, a psychic, a scientist, a drunk pilot and me. Weird group!
Abaddon: I was gonna try to sell you guys to ABC as a sit-com before the writers’ strike happened. Now I’ll have to send you to some island.
Naomi: They won’t cut it.
Abaddon: You’re the linchpin. So be sure not to get stabbed by a knife-wielding survivor of 815.
Naomi: There are survivors?
Abaddon: No.
Naomi: Then that should be easy!

Frank: Thanks for fixing my head, Miss—?
Juliet: Juliet Burke.
Frank: I read the manifest a thousand times in a guilty, drunken stupor. She’s not on it.
Miles: Your memory sounds reliable. Okay, lady, where’s Ben Linus?

Locke: Sawyer, you’re right. We’ll kill Ben.
Ben: I know things.
Locke: The monster?
Ben: No clue. But this lady’s name is Charlotte Lewis, she was born on a Tuesday, her first pet was a goldfish named Jaws, and she lost her virginity to a hobo!
Locke: How do you know all that?
Ben: I’ve got a man on her boat. Handsome black guy. Good at building things. Super dedicated dad. But, heck, we’ll get to all that next week!

5ML Rerun: "Pilot, Part 1"

Season 1, Episode 1


Jack: Huh. Flat on my back, dazed, injured, surrounded by bamboo, pockets full of airplane liquor and a dog's staring at me. That’s the last time I go drinking with my dad.
Vincent: Hi, I realize you don’t speak Dog but I’ve figured out all the island’s secrets!
Jack: Maybe there’s somebody else over there.
Vincent: So long, then. Oh well, seems like a smart guy. He’ll probably have it figured out in half the time!

Jack: Okay, guys. We survived a plane crash. Next to that, standing on a beach should be pretty safe.
Charlie: I'm going to stroll through a shower of flaming debris.
Hurley & Claire: We're going to sit under a collapsing wing.
Random Passenger: I'm going to stand in front of the engine. Ahhhh! *splat*
Boone: All I did was collect seventy-five pens. I'm the smart one!

Jack: Help me stitch up this gruesome gash.
Kate: I can't!
Jack: When I'm paralyzed with fear, I count to five.
Kate: Whatever works best for you, I guess. Personally, I kill people.

Cindy: How was your drink?
Jack: Weak. If I flirt with you to get more booze, does it make me a slut?
Rose: I'm scared of turbulence.
Jack: I'll take care of you until Bernard gets back from the bathroom. Not like he’ll be gone for a month, or something.
Pilot: This is your captain speaking. Fasten your seatbelts and return your tray tables to the upright and locked position, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!

Kate: How’s Javert doing?
Jack: What did you call him?
Kate: Nothing. How’s he doing?
Jack: If I pull the shrapnel out of his side, he'll bleed to death. If I leave it in, he'll die of gangrene.
Kate: So, basically, he needs to start counting to five.
Jack: Pretty much.

Monster in Forest: Fee Fi Fo Fum!
Kate: Sounds scary!
Charlie: Sounds like a T-Rex had kids with a teletype machine!

Kate: There’s smoke down there, through the valley.
Jack: If it’s the cockpit, we can find the transmitter doohickey and call for help!
Kate: I’m coming with you!
Jack: Just give me a sec. I want to savor this moment.
Kate: Why?
Jack: It’s the first totally pointless thing we’ll do to try to get rescued.
Charlie: I’ll come with you guys! I make everything more pointless!

Charlie: I was in a band called Drive Shaft.
Kate: I’ve vaguely heard of you!
Charlie: Yeah, I played bass and sang back-up vocals.
Kate: In that case, I may have vaguely heard of you!

Kate: Great! We climbed up this whole plane full of corpses and the cockpit door is locked!
Jack: It’s a well established fact that you can break open a door with a fire extinguisher. Even if there’s no doorknob and it’s a little, tiny fire extinguisher.

Kate: What were you doing in the bathroom?
Charlie: What do you mean?
Kate: I mean, what were you doing?
Charlie: What are you talking about?
Kate: My question makes perfect sense!
Charlie: Um… No hablo inglés?

Pilot: When we crashed we were, like, a billion miles off course. But we have this radio gizmo.
Monster: Fee fi fo fum…
Pilot: Better let me check that out!
Kate: That’s not such a good idea.
Pilot: They can’t kill me off. The episode’s named after me.
Charlie: I hate to tell you this but all first episodes are called—
Pilot: AHHHHHH!
Charlie: Never mind.

Jack: I got the thingamajig. Run away!
Charlie: I tripped!
Jack: I’ll save you!
Kate: I’m really freaking out here! Maybe I should kill someone. Crap, I’m alone! Guess Jack’s thing’s worth a shot. One… two… three…

Charlie: Jack saved me.
Kate: Where is he?
Charlie: Darn it, we have to go back, don’t we?
Jack: Here I am! I escaped by hiding in the bushes! In, you know, a manly way!
Charlie: What’s that in the tree?
Jack: The pilot.
Pilot: I’m really, really, really, really dead. No, I mean REALLY dead. Take a minute to appreciate how screwed you guys are!