"The Beginning of the End"

Season 4, Episode 1


Hurley: (on walkie talkie) Hey, Jack? What’s going on?
Jack: Didn’t you watch the season finale?
Hurley: Nope.
Jack: Didn’t you watch the recap?
Hurley: Nope.
Jack: Didn’t you watch the hour long special before this episode?
Hurley: Nope.
Jack: Well, we’re being rescued!
Hurley: HURRAY!
Jack: I know! What could possibly go wrong?

Jack: Ah, orange juice and vodka, the perfect breakfast. Wonder what’s on the tube? Ooh, high speed chase… Nice Camero… Aw, crap!

Police: Freeze!
Hurley: Don’t you know who I am?!
Police: I know that every time we pull over somebody from your show they lose their job, so shut up!

Desmond: It’s not Penny’s boat, and Charlie’s dead.
Hurley: Bummer.

Guy on Boat: Let me talk to Naomi.
Jack: She’s… getting firewood?
Guy on Boat: Oh, that sounds plausible.

Cop: Wanna hear something crazy? My partner was on the plane with you. Ana Lucia. Ever heard of her?
Hurley: Shortish Hispanic chick?
Cop: Yep.
Hurley: Permanent pissed off pouty face?
Cop: Yep.
Hurley: Homicidal maniac?
Cop: Yep.
Hurley: Sorry, never heard of her.

Jack: We need to find Naomi. She clearly went this way.
Kate: No, she went this way.
Jack: Aw, it’s cute how we fight. Gimme a hug.
Kate (steals radio): Yoink!
Jack: What did you say?
Kate: Nothing. Have fun!

Kate: Wow, Naomi, that was pretty amazing how you jumped out of the tree and kicked my ass with a fatal stab wound. Oh, your boat called for you.
Guy on Boat: Hello?
Naomi: I’m dying but it was, you know, an accident.
Guy on Boat: Why’d they say you were getting wood?
Naomi: I don’t know, they must be perverts. Tell my sister I love her. How’s that for ominous foreshadowing? Ack! *Death rattle*
Kate: Crap, she’s dead again. Why’d she have to come back to life in the first place?
Naomi: ’Cause I didn’t have much of a death scene last episode. Ack! *Death rattle*

Hurley: Ah, the mental hospital. Home sweet home.
Abaddon: Hello, I’m a not even slightly creepy lawyer from Oceanic. We’re going to upgrade you from business class to a five-star insane asylum. Are they still alive? ARE THEY STILL ALIVE?!?!?!?!?
Hurley: He’s out to get me, he’s out to get me!
Orderly: Of course he is. He’s a lawyer, dude.

Sawyer: Are you sure you can keep up, Hurley?
Hurley: Yeah, of course I… Hey, where’d you go?
Voices: whisperwhisperwhisper
Hurley: Hey, a cabin! That guy in the rocking chair kinda looks like Jack. Or maybe Claire. Crap, they saw me, run! Hey, the cabin’s over here now. No, now it’s over here.
Locke: Hi.
Hurley: Oh, thank God! By the way, Charlie’s dead.
Locke: Bummer.

Sawyer: Hey, look, it’s the cockpit. Where has this been for the last three years?
Sayid: What do you mean? We come here all the time.
Hurley: Hey Claire. Charlie’s *sob* dead!
Claire: Bum—
Charlie (drowning): INTERRUPTED BY GRATUITOUS FLASHBACK OF ME DYING AGAIN!!!! They’re going to play this clip every single week till the end of the show! Hello DVD residuals!

Mental Patient: Hey, you have a visitor!
Hurley: Oh, I like visits! Holy crap it’s Charlie!!!
Charlie: Hugo Reyes, in life I was your partner, Charlie Pace. The chain I wear I forged in life. Your chain was as long two years past. You have labored on it since.
Hurley: Spirit, is there any way I can escape this terrible fate?
Charlie: They need you, Hurley.
Hurley: Let them die and decrease the surplus population!

Locke: Hey guys. We shouldn’t contact the boat!
Sayid: Good idea, ’cause you never try to do anything that will stop us from getting rescued!
Locke: I never do anything that’s not in the best interest of the group!
Hurley: Dude, do you even watch this show?

Locke: You’re not going to shoot me, Jack.
Gun: *Click*
Locke: You f&#@ing psycho, that could’a been loaded!

Locke: Clearly we can’t agree on whether we should call the boat or not. Let’s choose teams. Captain!
Jack: Captain!
Locke: Okay, I choose Sawyer.
Jack: I choose Kate.
Hurley: Jack, you never choose me first! Just for that, I’m going with Locke! To the barracks!

Jack: Hey, Hurley! Wanna play Horse?
Hurley: Sure.
Jack: Dang, you’re really good! I wish I hadn’t chosen you last all the time!
Hurley: Dude, about that thing with Locke—
Jack: Forget it.
Hurley: Jack, I’m tired of lying! We have to go back!!!
Jack: Stop stealing my lines.

Jack: This cockpit reminds me of that one time we did something with Charlie. Remember that?
Kate: Not really.
Jack: Hey, a helicopter!
Parachutist: My appearance is the shocking and foreboding end of the episode! So, are you Jack, or what?